Long Distance BDSM

When I did the review of the Chastikey app not long ago, I did threaten that I would do a blog post on long distance relationships. So, since I always make good on a threat, here it is…

Modern technology makes it far easier for a Domme to keep an eye on her slaves.

If you have been paying attention, you may be aware that Mistress and I currently live in different cities. I am based in Manchester and she is now enjoying the riches and kinks of the capital in London. While I do get to visit her down there whenever I can and she can visit me in Manchester (such as when she is on tour!) we currently have to keep our BDSM relationship as a long distance thing.

Luckily, there are lots of ways to make long distance work.

First the disclaimer. One thing that long distance play can never be is as good as is face to face real time play. Until we end up with really good Star Trek style holoemitters or other advanced tech to make it seem as if you are in the same room as your dominant, you are not going to get that. And even if we had that sort of tech, it is still likely to be at a level of remove that makes it not quite as good as having your dominant there in person. Better off waiting for the invention of transporter technology and just using that to over come the distance issues.

In ye olde days, a kinky couple would have been limited to letter writing and phone calls if they were separated and phone sex among vanilla couples has been around a long time*. Now we have a wealth of apps and services that can be used to make things easier for the dominant (and harder for the sub). There are many ways those resources can be used. Some of these are specifically set up to allow BDSM. Others are just normal apps you might use day to day and no one would suspect you were subverting for kinky purposes.

For examples of the latter, it is possible to use apps such as WhatsApp and Skype to great effect. WhatsApp is basically a messenger and phonecall program but one which uses wireless or mobile data rather than your provider’s phone signal. I have used WhatsApp the most to communicate with Mistress. She has used it to send me tasks (such as during the Seven Day Itch I did for her a while back) and I have used it to send reports – including photos and videos of my completing the tasks. What I find most useful about using a messenger system like this is the immediacy of it. A message is sent and, provided my phone is turned on and not on silent, I get a notification. This can give a Dominant access to you 24 hours a day for immediate response if they so desire. As a submissive serving someone using this sort of technology, you never know what time of day or night they will demand your attention. That lends a very definite sense of frisson to the situation. I have a special ringtone set for Mistress too, so I know when my phone makes that noise it is her.

Long Distance BDSM in action… Domme Sakura Strike checking on the status of the chastity of one of her slaves.

You can get a similar effect just with your phone’s normal functions of making phone calls and sending messages (does anyone use them for that any more?) However, I think apps like WhatsApp have advantages in that they use wireless and mobile data rather than phone credit plus they are better set for sending and receiving media files.

Skype is a similar thing but one which is better suited to video calls. You can use Skype or a similar video calling system to have effective real time sessions remotely. With the submissive and the dominant both able to see each other, the dominant can give instructions and see them played out immediately. This makes a massive difference to any long distance play. Not to mention being able to talk face to face with your dominant rather than through the rather impersonal media of messaging. Of course, before embarking on this sort of play, it is a good idea to look at some of the ideas used by the self bondage community – both for inspiration and safety tips.

Added to the above, we can talk about the use of some apps in professional domination and findomme relationships. Things like Teamviewer have been repurposed by dominants to control a client’s computer – including looking on it for embarrassing files which might be published if the slave does not pay up. And of course I cannot mention phone apps and professional domination without sharing this list of companies which do not allow sex workers, which includes the more common online payment systems such as PayPal.  Be careful when using apps that you are not violating their T&Cs by using it in that way.

Now, from generic apps that can be used for kink, we come to those that are specifically designed for kink. I have already talked extensively about Chastikey in a previous blog and that is an excellent app that comes with a whole community of users willing to keyhold or be keyheld. It allows a way for a dominant to remotely control a combination lock which can, as per the original purpose of the app, be connected to a chastity device (or the lockbox in which the key to the chastity device is locked) but can also be used for setting timers on locks used in self bondage.

Linked to this, there are also other options for a long distance Chastity experience – for example, there are now smartphone controlled padlocks that are small enough to be used on a device as described in this blog.

Another piece of software, which has just recently been made an Android app and can still be downloaded for your computer, is SexScripts. This was made to replace CyberMistress which was a similar sort of software and both of them basically evolved from software used to assist masturbation. Indeed, both of them include scripts that do just that – some of the basic scripts are essentially a series of images, a metronome timer and some provocative text. SexScripts is a basic platform which can be customised by users. The forum (linked above) contains many many user and creator written scripts to run on the system and it is very easy to install these and also to edit them or create your own. The basic premise is to have a ‘virtual Mistress’ to control you. The software, in the guise of this Mistress (usually represented by stock images of women) will ask you to follow routines, obey rules, complete tasks and ask you to report any failures in order to receive punishment.

Now the above is all very well if you are alone and have no Mistress. You can get some of the feel of being ‘under control’ by running this and following the orders of your new electronic dominant. However, where this program comes into its own is in the features that allow your RL Mistress to become the virtual one. It achieves this by allowing editing of scripts. For example, those generic stock images can be replaced with ones of your actual Mistress. Your Mistress can also modify the parameters of a script (changing the frequency, severity and type of punishment, for example) or even write her own. You can also choose to put her email address into the script so that it will send a report of what you have done – tasks completed, tasks refused, punishments given and so on.

Of course, it is very easy to cheat on this. Unless you are asked to provide proof of task completion such as photos or videos (which is possible within the program) it is obviously very easy to just tell the virtual Mistress what it wants to hear – that you have spanked your butt 50 times with a paddle – and just go about your day with an unmarked derriere. However, this is not within the spirit of the software…

Finally, if you are really into technology, there are other more complicated options. Technology can be used to directly control devices. The simplest of these is, again, linked to phone sex and is a way to control a vibrator using bluetooth or similar technology. This is called Dildonics. Devices for this can be expensive (e.g. this one from Lovehoney is £129) but they allow the device to be controlled from anywhere in the world that has a signal through the app. You can take this concept to the next level, however, and look at other ways to control your LD submissive. For example, you can do some very clever things with Raspberry Pi devices and electromagnets to control bondage equipment. To see this in action, you could look at this impressive set up by the submissive of Princess Shelle. This contains control systems for magnetic cuffs, a electric dog collar, a fucking machine and a spanking bench among others. This is home made and elaborate as all hell but definitely an impressive goal to aim for if you want to make a little remote controlled dungeon.

Other apps I have found do not really give any long distance options. For example, there is one called BDSM Master which is essentially just a random punishment generator. It could be used for long distance relationships (either the dominant or the submissive uses it to determine what the consequences of an action are) but it does not really assist with connectivity. I feel that this connectivity is the important part. If separated by distance, a BDSM couple need to feel closer to each other and the more connections you make the better. I guess there may well be a gap in the market for someone who is good at designing apps.

A dominant should be able to call, text, videocall, write emails, use carrier pigeons, semaphore and telepathy to you contact their sub. Technology is increasingly allowing more and more of that contact. Who knows what toys the long distance BDSM couple will have access to in a few years?

*Paid Phone sex lines started in the UK in the 1980s, there is no evidence of how long phone sex between actual couples (as opposed to a client and sex chatline worker) has been going on but likely longer than that. Hell, who knows what Alexander Graham Bell got up to on his phone calls…

 

Review: CB6000

A few weeks ago I got a surprise message from Mistress.

“I actually have a little gift being sent to you soon. But I will need measurements.”

She’d been to Club Pedestal and had got to talking with Mistress K and her slave D who run House of Denial, a shop that sells chastity devices. I guess she had been paying attention to my comments about how my current chastity device was uncomfortable and so mentioned this in conversation with them and got some advice. The outcome was that I was asked to give some specific measurements and, not long after, a new CB6000 device landed on my doormat. It even had a cute little note with it as seen in the photograph.

Oh, and yes, she had also made sure it was in my favourite colour too. She is such a caring Mistress.

As soon as I looked at it, I knew that the sizing had been taken into account. One issue with my old device was that it did not leave room between the ring and the cage. This led to issues with things being squeezed far too much and a lot of pinching. This device has a selection of different sized spacers which means I can adjust to fit a lot more easily. The cage itself is also smaller, allowing a more snug fit which is more comfortable over all.

Putting it on for the first time was a challenge. I was a little confused over where each bit was supposed to fit. In the end I resorted to a YouTube video to help me figure out the exact roles of all the pieces and to get a decent fit. However, once this was clarified it was very easy to put on. As expected, the device was a lot better fitted which meant fewer issues overall. No squeezing and for most of the time very little pinching. It did occasionally pinch but this was mainly when worn with tight trousers or tight underwear. So, I guess this is encouragement to wear more skirts and dresses and go commando :). Seriously, this was a bit of an issue with respects to cross dressing as many elements of female underwear are more fitted than most men are used to. Tights especially were noticeably more uncomfortable and wearing a thong was awkward because the device was difficult to keep under the pants – it kept sliding out of the sides of the crotch. You don’t have the option to fold your penis into a more feminine shape when wearing a device. If anything, it makes it more difficult to hide. However, these are problems I have noticed in common with other devices of this type and it is basically something I can live with. It was merely a case of adjusting my clothing to wear looser trousers (many female coded trousers are looser anyway) or skirts, avoid tights/pantyhose and wear larger panties or not wear them at all.

A minor issue I noticed with the device was that, when it was on, two of the pins that hold the cage to the ball ring could easily be popped out. This made the device less secure and in theory could have allowed it to be removed. However, after looking at the video again, I believe those pins are supposed to be glued in permanently but are not on delivery because the correct ones need to be chosen for the size of your device. So, once you have fitted your device correctly, make sure you fix those pins permanently.

Since wearing this device long term, I am happy with the fit and the comfort. I am looking forward to even longer term use of this device. The impression I have got of the lovely people at House of Denial is that they are serious and genuine lifestyle devotees of BDSM in general and chastity in particular who really do care that the service they provide suits your needs.

You can book Domme Sakura Strike through her webpage.

You can look at a range of chastity devices or talk to Mistress K and her slave D by visiting their website contact page